The
Meaning of Marriage: For singles and marrieds (Week 8)
OPENING PRAYER: God, ask that you
bless this time together, allowing us open minds to engage in conversations
that might feel uncomfortable so that we can learn and grow together. Amen.
There is a new tv series
being released this summer that focuses on a “modern” marriage, in which both
members choose to sleep with other people as a way of “saving” their marriage.
Carrying the tagline of “would you risk your marriage to save it?” the show
purports to be a “post modern love story” as it follows the husband and wife,
as well as the male escort the wife hires, and the mistress the husband finds.
Beyond the premise, it’s hard to know exactly what the show will have to say
since it hasn’t aired yet, but the story of how “confining and boring” the
traditionally presented view of sex that is presented within churches so often
is a theme seen throughout entertainment and society as a whole. This week, we
take on this topic and ask ourselves, “What does the Bible really say about
sex? How should it be expressed in our lives as we choose to follow Jesus?”
Icebreaker: Explaining the “birds and the bees” is an often awkward
experience for both parents and children. Who had “the talk” with you and how
did they do it? If you’ve had “the talk” with children of your own, how did you
approach it? If you haven’t yet, how would you?
We’ve referred several times throughout our
series to the opening chapters of the book of Genesis in the Bible, when we are
told of the creation of Adam and then Eve. In Genesis 2:24, we read:
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother
and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
The phrase “united to his wife” is often
translated in older copies of the Bible as “cleave to his wife.” The idea of
the verse being that they are joined together in a deep way. The word that’s
translated as “flesh” is commonly used as a symbol for more than just a
physical body, but the person’s whole being. Our heart, body, mind, and soul,
as it were. This image is given to show that there is a connection between a
husband and wife that is deeper than just physical intimacy, but that sex is
the symbol of that joining. Jesus quotes this passage from Genesis when He is
asked by the Pharisees whether or not it is lawful for a man to divorce his
wife. In Matthew 19:4-6 we read
“’Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the
beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a
man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two
will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore
what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Jesus seems to be indicating that not only is
there a joining of the man and woman in the sexual act, but that in a way God
is present in the joining as well. That He is forming and knitting them
together in a way that is not meant to be separated.
By the way, you may think that Jesus is just
referring to the act of being married as the part where God is joining the man
and woman together, but it is important to know that at this time in history,
sex was actually a part of the marriage ceremony. The bride and groom would go into
a room at the bride’s father’s house called the “chuppah” together and
consummate their marriage, while the wedding party waited outside and
listened.(and you thought your wedding reception had its awkward moments.) So
for Jesus and His audience, being married and having sex were very much one and
the same.
Discussion:
Knowing that sex is a joining of each other with God’s involvement, how does
this change the way we view the connection it brings?
This kind of deep joining brings with it a huge
risk, doesn’t it? We know all too often that in our world today, just because
you’ve had sex with someone, it doesn’t guarantee that they will remain in your
life forever. In fact, in many cases, it may lead almost immediately to them
leaving, if that was their only goal in the relationship. It’s often all too
easy to fall prey to those who see sex as an end in itself, rather than a means
to a deeper relationship. Or it may be that you were in a relationship that you
truly expected to last, where you thought you were committed to each other for
“the long haul,” but things simply didn’t work out that way.
When we are “joined together in one flesh” with
someone that then leaves, we can often find ourselves in a position where we
leave a part of ourselves behind with that person in a way. We’ve joined with
them, mind, body, heart, and soul, and all of these can be broken and wounded
when the person we’ve been joined to has gone away, sometimes because they’ve
abandoned us, or sometimes because of the pains of this world(death). These
wounds can be deeply painful, and have an effect on the other relationships in
our lives. But the good news is that the same Jesus who healed the broken and
the blind can heal us of this too! In Luke 4:18, Jesus quotes the prophet
Isaiah when speaking about His own ministry:
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has
anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim
freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the
oppressed free,”
Discussion:
What do you think it means to think of the healing that comes from Jesus in the
context of these kinds of wounds from sexual experiences? If you’ve been
wounded this way, have you previously p-rayed for healing for these wounds? If
so, how did God deliver in that prayer? (if not, we will be taking a time for
prayer at the end of our lesson tonight, please seek this prayer within the
group!)
Earlier in Genesis, before He creates Adam and
Eve, God describes what He is going to do in 1:26-27
“Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our
image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the
birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the
creatures that move along the ground.’
So God created mankind in his own image, in the
image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
God is describing Adam and Eve as being made in
His “image.” Again, there’s something interesting to the original word used
here. The word we translate as “image” is “tselem,” and is used elsewhere in
the old testament to describe idols built by humans to worship other gods.
Humans were put on earth as the representatives of God. We are His “image”
bearers. In I Corinthians 6:19-20, Paul writes
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of
the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not
your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
There is something deeply Godlike about how we
are made, and when we are brought together in sexual experience, this is
heightened. We are meant to be God’s representatives on Earth, and this affects
how we are to treat each other in regards to sex. Even if single, the question
of how you view or approach members of the opposite gender comes into play
here. Studies show that as much as 40 million adults in the United States visit
pornography websites on a regular basis. The average age that a child in the United
States is first exposed to pornography is 11. When we view the other gender as
an object of sexual fantasy, we are looking at what God has created to be His
image on Earth. We take those who were designed to be the image bearers and
make them into a mere object for gratification. Even if we never say or do
anything acting on those thoughts, we have misused God’s creation. In Matthew
5:27-30, Jesus says
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not
commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has
already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you
to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one
part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your
right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better
for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”
Discussion:
What does it mean to you to think of yourself, your spouse, or any other member
of the opposite gender as an “image bearer” of God? Considering Jesus’ words,
that looking at someone lustfully is the same as committing adultery, how does
this change your approach to your thought life? How do you think this can wound
the person having these thoughts in the first place?
Finally, the question becomes how does this apply
for those of us who are single? As we seek to follow God’s will in our sexual
lives the same as elsewhere, how do we best navigate in a world where sexual
encounters are considered part and parcel with dating? Barry mentioned a
progression taught by Richard Foster that illustrated the progression from
first meeting to marriage. As a couple draws closer together, more intimacy
will naturally follow, with self-giving love as the foundation. This reminds us
of the illustration from week’s discussion showing a couple drawn closer
together as they both pursue a relationship with God first.
As we seek to draw closer together in a
Christ-like way, it’s important to remember that this self-giving love is our
foundation, and drawing closer to God is our priority. This helps to guard us
against the temptation. We remember the words from James 1:13-15:
“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is
tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but
each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and
enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when
it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”
James highlights for us here that sin is a
progression to death. As we find ourselves in physical relationships, we must
seek to ensure that we are following the appropriate path for where we are in
the relationship. Making out, for example, is not sinful in and of itself, but if
we let it carry no meaning and bring it into a relationship where we have not
reached a similar level of intimacy intellectually, spiritually, or emotionally,
we may be setting ourselves up for a road of further and more difficult
temptations to come. Letting “desire be conceived” in our hearts. A refrain
repeated twice in the book of Song of Solomon(a GREAT book of the Bible to study if you want to see the beauty that
God attaches to sex) is “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
Reminding us to not light the fires of our desire in our hearts if we are not
prepared for the commitment that it should carry. The self-giving love that
Jesus gives us for each other does not desire to treat each other as sexual
objects, but as loving partners to share in the gifts that God has given us in
a holy and righteous ways. Sex included.
Discussion:
How do you determine what is and isn’t proper at stages in a relationship? How
does intimacy continue to grow and develop in marriage like it does in dating?
Leaders:
For prayer this week, if there are members of both genders in your group, it is
recommended that if possible, split into two group, men and women separate. If
comfortable for the members of your group, take time to pray openly for each
other, particularly set aside time to pray for those who may feel they’ve been
wounded in the past in regards to the topics discussed tonight. Details do not
need to be shared, the Bible says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us in
prayer, and God knows everything that is on our hearts, but please depending on
the comfort level of your group, make some time for this prayer with each
other. Silently even if necessary.
[the writer of this
guide would like to thank the book Sex God by Rob Bell for having been
very useful in writing this week’s discussion.]
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