Meaning of Marriage Week 3

The Meaning of Marriage: For singles and marrieds (Week 3)

OPENING PRAYER: Jesus, we ask that you take this time to show us how to better understand your love for us as we learn to grown in our love for others. Amen.

The third week of our study, we dig into what the “essence” of marriage is. Love. And a love that is steady and committed—one that is “more than a feeling.” Covenant Love.

As of this week, an auspicious crown has been won. The new most “liked” photo on Instagram is a picture from the wedding of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. It’s far too early to say anything about the longevity of this marriage, but we can hope that it fairs better than the subject of the previously most “liked” photo, one of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez kissing; Another famous celebrity couple who have had at least a few public splits and some less than kind words shared through the press.

What do these images and statements of love bring to mind? What should this tell us about the perception of love that we are exposed to on a regular basis, and how does this affect the way we approach relationships? How does this differ from the Biblical interpretation?

Icebreaker: (two options) Icebreaker A: What was your first “crush”? How would you best describe the feelings that were brought about by this? How did it end?

Icebreaker B: Let’s say you had the power to give millions of “likes” to a photo on Instagram. What couple do you think would be the subject of your preferred photo if you wanted to show what Covenant Love looked like?

At the crux of this week’s message was the difference between love as a feeling and love as a commitment. This difference was spelled out as the difference between marriages as a “consumer” relationship vs. a “covenant” relationship.

Discussion: What are some “consumer” relationships in your life? These are relationships based purely on the give and take. You are only as invested in the relationship as what you are getting out of it from the other end. Would it include your cable company? Your employer? What are the defining points of these relationships and what sets them apart?  What are the things you enjoy or dislike about these relationships?

Sometimes, consumer relationships can be a relief. They leave us knowing we are only committed to being there as long as we are getting something out of it. We know that we are “owed” something just for sticking it out. Many businesses have even sweetened this deal with things like repeat customer cards, which give us points for free coffee refills or discounts on gas for our cars after spending so much with a  given company over other competitors.

But here’s the thing, these “gifts” are only given because of the investment we have placed in the relationship with the given business. I’m quite proud of my Starbucks Gold card (has my name on it and everything), but if I lost my job tomorrow, Starbucks would not give me free coffee while I was out of work. They aren’t a “Covenantal” relationship. They are not committed to me for the long haul.

In Genesis, we see several examples of covenant relationships, mostly between God and Humankind. Probably one of the most well-known is in Genesis 15, when God said to Abraham that his descendants would be like the stars in number. At this point, God has Abraham get a sacrifice of a heifer, goat, ram, turtledove, and a pigeon. Abraham splits the bodies of the sacrifices in two and sets the halves of the bodies across from each other. Then that night, Abraham sees the Spirit of God in the form of a smoking oven and a torch pass between the sacrifices.

This is a very important symbol God is giving. In the days of the Old Testament, it was common for a covenant to be agreed to by a ceremony just like this. Sacrifices would be laid out and the signatories would walk between them. The symbol was supposed to say, “If either of us violates the covenant, we’ll be broken just like these sacrifices.” But Abraham didn’t walk between the sacrifices, God did alone.  In the covenant between God and this man, God was saying he would take the pain of the covenant if it was failed. (Foreshadowing Jesus’ death on the Cross)

In the covenant between God and Abraham, it’s not a relationship that will be easily broken. It’s one that’s committed to for the ages. In fact, a lot of scholars read the Bible as being a story of this covenant coming to fruition over time, with the Israelites at various times honoring the covenant and at times being disingenuous, leading to Jesus renewing the covenant with the whole world.  This is the kind of covenant that Paul is comparing marriage to in Ephesians 5, with statements such as “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” and “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” With the power of the Holy Spirit as discussed last week, we are expected to show a commitment to each other that echoes the commitment of Christ to the Church.

But this is not a commitment of feeling. As Timothy Keller points out in our companion book, Meaning of Marriage, “When Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn’t think, ‘I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.’” Jesus did not devote himself out of a temporary feeling, or with the idea of giving what he got.  He gave completely out of covenant devotion, fulfilling in many ways God’s promise to Abraham.

Discussion: If we are to compare our devotion to each other in marriage to the devotion that God showed to us through Jesus, how does this change what we might think of as love?

But how do we pursue love this way? What are the steps that we should take to have a more covenantal love to those around us?

Discussion: Choose one major relationship in your life. If married, go with your marriage, if unmarried, pick someone else who you are in relationship with (romantic or non-romantic). What is one thing you could change that would make that relationship more like a covenant one? What are the roadblocks that you feel hold you back from making these changes?

In his book, Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis writes about the challenge of trying to love in this way. He uses the term “charity” to refer to the type of covenantal love that we’re driving for, and the difficulty that occurs when you don’t have feelings he describes as “love”. 

Though natural likings should normally be encouraged, it would be quite wrong to think that the way to become charitable is to sit trying to manufacture affectionate feelings…The rule for all of us is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”

Discussion: What do you think of what Lewis is saying here? If you choose to act with love towards someone, do you think your feelings will follow? Does this make it easier or more difficult to have covenantal love towards your spouse over time? 

Discussion: This theory also applies to our relationship with God.  Has there been a time in your life when you’ve simply obeyed God even when you weren’t feeling “love” for Him.  Where did that obedience lead?  Did it induce feelings of love?  

Homework for this week. Take the relationship you chose in the previous discussion. Take time every day this week to pray for the other person in that relationship, then follow through with one action that would demonstrate a more covenantal love towards that person. Come to group next week ready to discuss how this changed the way you saw that person over the course of the week.

Take a moment and pray with each other individually or as a group. 

Closing Prayer: “Lord God, we thank you for your love and your Spirit. We ask that you bless us today with the power to love each other in a truly self-giving way throughout our lives. For those of us who need your healing power to be able to experience and give this kind of love, we ask in Faith for that healing. Pour out your Spirit on us now. In your name we pray, Amen.”