The Twelve

So, when Jesus was first starting out, there were twelve of us that were in his inner circle. He called us his disciples.

The first two to join up were Peter and Andrew, a couple of truck drivers. They’d signed on when they met Jesus at a rally in some parking lot. Jesus had started a random conversation with a couple guys outside some strip mall off of interstate 71, and next thing he had a crowd around him. Pete and Andy were pulled over trying to catch a mid afternoon nap on their long haul from Columbus down to Atlanta, and Jesus asked to use the back of Pete’s truck. Pete opened up his back gate, and Jesus stood up there, using it as an impromptu stage. After that, they were hooked like fish and followed Jesus everywhere. Jesus nicknamed Pete “Rocky.”

After that were James and John. They hooked up with the group after Jesus healed John of a stab wound from some knife fight outside a bar at 3 in the morning. They were both members of this biker gang called the “Sons of Thunder,” and when we were travelling they both ran ahead on their Harley’s on the highway. Good guys, but they were an excitable bunch, which you’ll figure out as the story goes on.

While we were going through southern Texas, we picked up Phillpe’, he was a caterer working out of the local hotels and probably one of the best organizers you’ve ever met. He could put together a plan for anything from an eight year old’s birthday party with a pony to a nationwide marketing event using not much more than a clipboard, though he preferred Excel if he could get it. He also introduced Jesus to his friend Bartolome’ who was a migrant farmer hitchhiking his way across the south. Hard worker, and sharper than anyone I’ve ever met. When he first showed up Jesus called him “A man who could never lie,” and it pretty well fit.

I’m not sure when Thomas came along, he was a lawyer they’d met somewhere up east. Had a thick Boston accent, but from the stories he told he’d worked everywhere from New York to South Dakota. He had apparently been a heck of a defense attorney, but he’d always preferred pro bono work. No matter what topic was being discussed, he brought up the opposite point of view to the rest of group. Sometimes I think he did it just because he liked arguing so much. Got annoying as heck, but was useful quite a bit, especially after we were left in charge of everything.

I joined up with the group in Cincinnati. I was working as an auditor with the IRS at the time. I’m ashamed to say I was cushioning my income with bribes I took from people to get out of fines. I’d done pretty well at it until I tried it on Jesus. He called me out and in just three words he turned my entire world upside down. I sold everything I owned, tracked down all the people I’d ever cheated to pay them back, and then joined up. My brother James came along too. He’d been my assistant for years and I had done so much to teach him how to cheat, I wouldn’t have felt right if I’d showed him the better way too.

Those three words? Oh, “I love you.” Rocked my world, man.

From Cincinnati, we headed west to Chicago, that’s where we met Thad. He was a construction worker. Brave guy, he spent most of his days on the top of skyscrapers setting rebar and didn’t flinch at the site of anything. Years later he was beheaded for preaching in Beirut and he didn’t stop smiling at them the whole time.

We met Simon in Portland. He was one crazy guy. Long hair and a giant beard, covered in tattoos. He’d been a member of the Earth Liberation Front, had just finished a stay in prison for firebombing a lumber yard he started following Jesus. This guy was passionate down to the bones, and once he was determined that something was the “Right” thing to do, nothing would stop him. Jesus had to stop him a few times, but again, I don’t know if we’d been able to get through those years after Jesus left without Simon. He kept us going when stuff was the worst. “It’s just the FBI” he’d say, “What’re they gonna do, kill us? Bring it on.”  Made awesome campfire chili too. Took me two years before I figured out it was vegan. Never would have noticed.

The last one to sign on joined up back in Ohio on a return trip. Judas was probably the only one who was truly “religious” before joining up. His father and grandfather had both been preachers for years. He wore a suit every day and reminded us all the time that we needed to “look right for the public.”

I can’t think about that guy without wanting to cry or throw up. Probably both.